Still Gay. Still Proud. (4 Years Later)
Today's #FeistyFriday is a particularly special day. First...
It's my half birthday - I turn 19.5 today!
I'm almost 20 which is INSANE.
The other big thing about today is....
Today is the 4 year anniversary of when I came out of the closet and told the world I was gay.
Wow. 4 years. That FLEW BY. I’m honestly speechless.
I sat down to write something about it, and I couldn’t come up with a formal layout of what to write about, so today’s #FeistyFriday is going to just be a word vomit of different ideas.
I’m emotional. My brain is confused, my head is spinning, and my heart is aching.
I don’t know why. It’s all just hitting me.
I’ve been identifying as gay for four years. FOUR YEARS. I’ve been able to be free and comfortable with myself for four years.
I remember the years prior. They were awful. I won’t go into too much detail because I wrote about them in my coming out post back in June, but I can assure you: they were awful.
For 14.5 years, I lived years of confusion and self -hatred. I didn’t understand who I was and why I was that way. I didn’t understand why the people around me weren’t feeling the same way. I felt so alone and confused and stressed.
I wanted to be true to myself but I didn’t know if I could.
After coming out to my dad on September 23rd, 2012, life has been a whirlwind of events. Now, I’m not going to lie and say that things have been rainbows and unicorns since then. Things didn’t magically all workout. I didn’t come out, get a boyfriend, and live happily ever after. (I wish)
The struggle continues. Being out of the closet for 4 years, I still have never had a boyfriend and I still get judged for who I am. Yep. It never ends. I understand that’s life and I understand things could be MUCH WORST.
Why am I so ENERGETIC?
However, there is one thing that kind of bothers me: If you’ve met me or seen my videos, you can tell I have a HUGE PERSONALITY. I’m not going to deny that. I’m usually blabbing about something and overwhelming someone. That’s part of who I am.
I have had people, out of love and out of hate, tell me I need to “tone it down” and “calm down.” They say that I’m being too “extra” and that “I’ll never get a boyfriend until I act more masculine.” Yep, those are real examples.
Well, I can finally explain why I never just “tone it down:”
It took me 14 and a half years to fully be confident in who I am. I have struggled and worked too hard to tone this down. For YEARS, I was trying to change who I was and the way that people saw me, but now I am finally confident. I finally feel comfortable with who I am.
I can say it: I’m a 19-year-old gay male who just wants to spread love and positivity.
I’ve gone through too much bullying and self-hatred to tone it down now. I worked too hard and cried too many tears to change.
Seriously. That is why I’m so “weird” and “extra” and “flaming” – I’m finally confident in who I am. I finally am beginning to love who I am, and I just want to spread that to other people.
I’m sorry if this sounds dramatic. My eyes are just watering up just explaining this.I’m still laughed at. I still get judgemental looks. And, yes, it still bothers me.
But I can finally wake up and know exactly who I am. For years, I didn’t understand different aspects of myself. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t like the other guys and why I didn’t want to have a girlfriend.
But now I finally understand that:
I’m just an outgoing dude who wants people to be happy and I just happen to be gay.
I talked to my dad on the phone this afternoon to thank him again for all of the love and support these years. I almost cried to him. I could barely speak. I was just trying to explain how thankful I am that I was accepted and loved by my family.
I could have been kicked out, disowned, and left homeless. It happens too often to certain LGBTQIA teens.
However, my mom and dad have supported and loved me all these years. I know I’m not the son that they probably expected when they adopted me, but they still love me daily.
I hope you know how much I love and appreciate everything you've done for me.
If you're reading this, THANK YOU.
Now, on to you all reading this: thank you. All of you.
Anyone who has supported me in any way. Anyone who has loved my crazy personality and accepted and supported the fact that I just happen to be gay. Thank you so much.
I would not have been able to get to this point in my life and career without you.
And to the people who are homophobic, have judged me, have tried to change me, or who just think I’m flat out weird, I hope you understand that I’m going to keep being my feisty self forever and always.